


Unknown To You

by NeonViolet



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Break Up, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Polyamory, Post-Break Up, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-04 06:01:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14586537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonViolet/pseuds/NeonViolet
Summary: And now, as he stood facing the doorway of Even’s studio, open wide but facing a closet so he wasn’t able to see inside the room entirely – he just knew.This was the end.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea rolling around in my head for weeks before [SKAMSNAKE](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skamsnake/pseuds/skamsnake) got tired of me talking about it and told me to just write it. So if you need a scapegoat for how you feel as you read this - she would make an excellent one.
> 
> This is much different than SBTC, but just as interesting I think (hope). It will NOT, however, be nearly as long. So if you're looking for a new chaptered EVAK fic to read but don't feel like committing to marrying a new story - this could be for you.
> 
> While this story isn't completely written out yet, the outline and concept is complete. I have already previewed it in a private SKAM community where it was received well - so I wanted to place it here too.
> 
> Also, there is a [PLAYLIST](https://open.spotify.com/user/125164470/playlist/3jWtAhJluWhfVYpQrrMw1h?si=79A9DfaYRRSWKXg8EdL8rA) for this that updates with new songs as each chapter is published, Trust me, listen to the songs.
> 
> p.s. Yes Skamsnake is to blame for this becoming a reality. But she is also beautiful and smart and HC'd the hell out of this with me. So if you hurt her, I will hurt you.
> 
> p.s. II - I have not put SBTC on hiatus, I promise. This is just something I needed to get out of my system.

_“Look at all this heartache, what is left?_

_Forgetting how it started, this is how it ends.”_

_-Unknown To You-_

_Jacob Banks_

**February**

Something was wrong. Even was hiding something. He had grown cold and withdrawn from Isak over the past several weeks. Months? At first he chalked it up to his stress at work. His company had just come under new ownership and the demands at his job had been increasing as they shuffled around employees, causing Even to come home tired and irritated. But that had been ages ago and things at the production company had settled and cleared by now. Even had not only been promoted but had an entire team of staff and interns under him to split his workload – so it wasn't his job.

But _something_ _was_ wrong.

Phone calls during lunch breaks at work to hear the others’ voice became quick text messages. Quick text messages became lists of errands that needed to be tended to which became nothing altogether. After work Isak would come home to an empty house, Even having stayed at work late again. And the times he was there they’d barely acknowledge the others’ presence - ships passing in the night. If they were in the same vicinity together it was like Even would go out of his way to not touch Isak. To not look him in the eye. Speaking only what needed to be said.

_We’re out of milk._

_You got some mail today, it’s on the counter._

_Your mom stopped by today. Said she hasn’t heard from you in a while_.

It was a mess and it was starting to eat at Isak.

Trying to pinpoint when everything had changed was taking a physical toll on him. He could feel his blood pressure rising most days. His stomach was aching with the uncertainty and the anxiety. Did he do something? If he did, why wouldn’t Even just talk to him about it?

They spoke about everything. _Everything._ There was nothing hidden between them. They had an open marriage, so it was almost a requirement to be open and honest with each other, and it had served them so well. Married for seven years, together for eleven – they had the healthiest relationship out of all of their peers.

_Had._

When Isak walked into the house, he knew something was wrong. He called out Even’s name and didn’t get an answer, but his car was in the driveway so he knew he was home.

He set his work bag down by the door and called out his name again.

“Even?”

Nothing - but still - he couldn’t get the nagging feeling out of his head that something wasn’t right.

The silence in their excessively large home was broken suddenly. A muffled sound coming from the loft. It was quiet and subdued. Too quiet.

Isak made his way up the stairs in their foyer and onto the landing. He heard it again.

_A whisper? Was someone crying?_

The noise came from Even’s studio. Isak walked towards the door and stopped at the threshold, and waited.

There have been times in his life where Isak has known something before it was told to him - somehow, it’s always been bad news. He doesn’t know if that’s a requirement for his strange premonitions, not even sure how it works, but when it’s something devastating he just all of a sudden _knows_. Call it a gut reaction if you want. That would be an appropriate name actually, since he does feel the notion deep within him.

Like the time when he found out his mother had died. He was 12 and had spent two weeks in Bergen visiting his uncle.  It was a big deal at the time, he got to fly on a plane by himself without an adult accompanying him and he’d told anyone who would listen to him about how grown up he was. But then his dad had picked him up from the airport at the end of summer and was strangely quiet the entire ride home. It had been late - maybe 20:00 or so – but Isak had a feeling it was something more than just the late hour that kept his father silent. He just sat in the driver's seat while Isak went off about his summer and all of the fun he had with his cousins. His dad drove, nodding here and there with a forced smile.

That was also the summer they had moved house – the whole event happening while Isak had been on holiday, so when they pulled into an unfamiliar driveway the dread began to seep in. Isak had been excited to see his new bedroom, but the mood had changed and his anticipation quickly morphed into painful anxious nerves.

Once they were in the house, his dad took his suitcase and led him to the couch, sitting down so he faced him. He took Isak’s hand and that’s the moment when he knew. His father hadn’t even spoken the words, and Isak knew – his mother was gone.

She had been sick for a few years, but there was nothing that made his family suspect they didn’t have more time with her. So even with her diagnosis, this was unexpected.

But still, Isak _knew_. And he had been right. He was always right.

He watched as an endless stream of tears ran down his dad's face before he couldn’t take it anymore and he swiftly made his way to his room. A room he barely knew. Furniture in places he hadn’t chosen. He laid in his bed with the new bedding he didn’t recognize and he cried into a space that couldn’t comfort him back.

And now, as he stood facing the doorway of Even’s studio, open wide and showing nothing but a closet. unable to see inside entirely – he just knew. This was the end.

He took one step into the room and paused - the smell was off. Even always had a patchouli candle burning in his studio. He would purchase them from a metaphysical shop owned by a self described witch doctor in a shadier part of town. She made them herself and the scent payoff was so strong, the odor would permeate all the way to their kitchen downstairs. Even when the candles weren’t burning you would smell the woodsy notes in the air in and around Even’s studio - each surface having absorbed the scent at this point.

But right now all Isak could breathe in was gardenias. The sickeningly sweet smell of the white petaled flowers filling the atmosphere. The softness of the scent was a stark and unwelcome contrast to the harsh warm aroma of the patchouli oil that burned in the expensive wax candles that had become synonymous with Even and this room.

Gardenias.  A flower he remembers on his trips to the Mediterranean on holiday with his husband - the plant sitting outside the open windows of their bed & breakfast, wafting into their room with the warm summer breeze that accompanied it.  A flower that brought back pleasant memories of tangled limbs, slick with sweat, beneath soft sheets; sounds of pleasure piercing the quiet and mixing with the smell of sex and flowers.

Gardenias. A once welcome aroma was now laced with dread - because his gut told him again - this was the end.

He walked into the room and took a right. There in the large armchair by the window sat Even, a blonde woman sitting in his lap with his face buried into her neck as she consoled him.

_Consoled him?!_

The tightening in Isak’s stomach squeezed and the early signs of nausea made their way up towards his throat. His chest constricted and he let out a choked breath.

“Even?”

He watched as his husband looked up at him, eyes tired, and then looked back at the woman, whispered something in her ear and kissed her cheek before she stood to get off his lap.

Even didn’t say anything, just leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and licked his lips slowly.

“Isak.” He said his name like he was talking to a child. Like Isak had just interrupted him and he needed to be scolded.

“Who the hell is she?!” There was no calm in his voice. Loud and shaky like everything else inside of him right now.

Even made no attempt to answer and the woman was still standing there as if she belonged in this scenario.

“Even, who the hell is she?!” He repeated his question and the woman opened her mouth to say something, but Even looked over at her, raising his hand and said, “No baby. Don’t."

_Baby? He called her baby?_

All sounds began to drown out of his head one at a time. The staccato sound of the second hand from the clock on the wall faded first. Followed by Even’s irritatingly calm breaths. Next was the whirring sound of the ceiling fan that had been wafting the scent of gardenias towards him since he entered the room, until finally all he could hear was the rush of blood in his head.

Isak didn’t know what came over him, but his body took over for his brain and he crossed the room, finding himself standing in front of the nameless woman, breaths away from her face. He slowly but intensely spoke to her, never breaking eye contact.

“Get. The fuck. Out. Of my house.” The words nearly spat out of him dripping with venom, and as his body trembled, he realized he had never felt a rage like this. He wasn’t prone to violence, but he could feel his hands twitch with the want and need to strike something, and if she didn’t remove herself from his presence it was going to be her.

Her eyes shifted from Isak’s to something behind him but he didn’t move.

“I promise you that you want to get the hell out of my sight. Because right now I’m planning on beating the living shit out of my husband and I cannot guarantee what will happen if you remain here.” His teeth were clenched as he forced the words out of his mouth.

He felt someone push him aside as Even came and grabbed her by the arm to usher her out of the room. Isak stayed where he was as he heard hushed voices in the foyer and then the click of the front door being shut.

He remained where he stood, eyes looking at the now empty oversized armchair. The first brand new piece of furniture Even and Isak ever purchased together. Over a decade old and having seen better days - Even had insisted on keeping the monstrosity when they purchased their new home.

It was covered in dry come stains that were never wiped away. Evidence of nights full of youth, alcohol, and passion when neither one of them could be bothered to make it to their bedroom, let alone be motivated to clean up after themselves.

On the front of the cushion was a brown splotch - left there when Even excitedly jumped up to give Isak a congratulatory hug when he announced he got his first job out of university - spilling his mug of coffee in the joy of the moment.

Then there were the three ragged tears just above the wooden block leg where Isak’s fathers new puppy decided to chew at incessantly the week they dog-sat for him and his stepmother. That was the same week Even had begged Isak for a dog of their own and Isak wholeheartedly shut down that request.

That armchair was, in many ways, the epitome of who Isak and Even were, and now it was covered in gardenias. The aroma hadn’t left the air yet, the spinning fan confirmed that with every revolution it made. Isak could almost feel the way the fabric of the chair soaked up the scent of the woman’s perfume. The chair was no longer something to adore and find endearing. The chair had _her_ all over it.

She was all over their chair and she was all over his husband.

She could rot in hell.

The first wave of nausea began to move past his throat and it took more willpower than Isak knew he had to push it back down.

He was still standing in the same spot when Even returned, quietly walking into the room and sitting back down in the armchair – assuming his previous position with irritated nonchalance.  

He looked at his husband and Even looked back. He looked exhausted. He looked sad and weary.

But he didn’t look sorry.

And the anger and rage that had been coursing through his body moments ago, seeped out and was replaced with confusion and devastation.

Even wasn’t sorry.

Isak fell onto the adjacent chair and the moment his body hit the cushion, sobs wrecked out of him. He couldn’t control them if he wanted to. At the moment his body, mind, and heart were three different entities all functioning on their own volition and taking no authority from him at all.

Even looked over at him and spoke. “Her name is Sara. She’s a colleague of mine and we met a few months ago.”

Sara. She had a name.

“Isak,” he continued, “I’m leaving you.”

Isak would never be able to explain the extent and intensity in which he simultaneously wanted to hurt his husband and die himself at those words.

Was he so easily disposed of? He had only known her for a few months - but he had loved Isak for years - hadn’t he?

He took the steadiest breath he could muster and made himself look Even in the eyes.

“I just want to know, why didn’t you just ask?”  Even was quiet and didn’t make an effort to respond, so Isak dug deep for the last dredges of bravery he could find and continued. “We’ve both dated other people before Even. We’ve been doing this for years! All you had to do was tell me. I would have been fine with it. You didn’t tell me.”  He voice was breaking. “Why didn’t you just ask?” He was pleading, because he knew that the answer to this question would tell him everything he needed to know.

Even sat up and leaned to the side of his chair facing Isak. His eyes became wider and for the first time Isak could see regret in them. He spoke quietly, like his words could break glass - as if they hadn’t already shattered everything else.

“I didn’t want her _and_ you.” And Isak understood what he was saying. He didn’t want the both of them - he just wanted her.  

Those final words from his husband would continue to haunt him for days and nights to come.

 _‘I didn’t want her and you.’_ They would replay in his dreams, waking him up fitfully and not allowing his body to relax again for the rest of the evening.

 _‘I didn’t want her and you.’_ They would accompany him at work when he was second guessing his research - forcing him to double and triple check every professional decision he had made.

 _‘I didn’t want her and you.’_ Those six small words eventually turned into four in Isak’s mind.

_I don’t want you._

Isak stood up and made his way on trembling legs out of the studio and into their bedroom. He turned on the light and walked the few extra steps to their en suite bathroom, knelt in front of the toilet, and vomited.

-

**MAY**

______________________

**_Jakob_ **

_Drinks tonight?_

______________________

Isak looked at the message and then pocketed his phone as he arrived to his apartment. It had been a long day and he was tired, having spent close to ten hours on his feet at the lab overseeing a new group of interns. It was a job he could easily pass off to one of his assistants, but teaching was a part of the job that Isak loved and hated to give up.

He grabbed the mail from his box and made his way into the elevator, stepping aside to let out his neighbor and her dog before making his way in and pressing _12_ on the lit up panel of numbers.

It had taken him two weeks to secure this apartment in Oslo City Center and he was damn lucky to have it. A new high rise of condos with a rigorous screening and application process, Isak found himself the new owner of the two bedroom flat facing the city skyline in no time at all.

Although Isak’s credit and salary were more than enough to afford the place, he could thank his father for the approval. His new wife was on the board of trustees for the building and made sure to slip his application to the top of the pile.  

On any other occasion Isak would have been bothered by the idea of benefiting from nepotism in anyway, but after an unceremonious separation and shattered heart, it wasn’t something he found he cared too much about.

The soft tone of a bell followed by the opening of the sliding doors ushered him out of his thoughts, and he stepped into the ornately decorated hall that led to his apartment - _21._

He unlocked the door, pushing it open with his hip as he tried to continue holding onto his bag, mail, keys, and phone before walking over his threshold and emptying the contents in his arms onto the table in his entry way. Turning around to shut his front door, he heard children laughing from the other side of the floor, sending a quiet thank you to the heavens for a corner apartment - one neighbor and she was single.

He went through his evening routine: changing into something more comfortable, playing music on the absurdly expensive home sound system, and getting lost in the cathartic motions of cooking his dinner. He chopped, sliced, grated, and stirred - humming along to the soft melodies of Nina Simone _‘I Put A Spell On You’._

_You know I can’t stand it_

_You’re runnin’ around_

_You know better daddy_

_I can’t stand it, cause you put me down_

_Oh no_

_I put a spell on you_

_Because you’re mine_

His phone vibrated again as he ate his meal in the living room, reading lamp on as he sipped his beer and went through some paperwork in preparation for a seminar next week. Tossing the file aside, he lifted his phone to see several more messages from Jakob lighting up the screen

______________________

**_Jakob_ **

_I’m in your neighborhood. The new lounge that opened up on Youngstorget._

_..._

_I’m wearing my tight jeans._

______________________

Isak laughed and tossed his phone next him without responding. Jakob has been flirting with him for weeks now, trying to get him to go out for drinks every weekend. He was flattered, and he liked the attention - but he wasn’t ready. It had been three months since he found Even with Sara in their home, and while the nights alone were getting easier, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to start dating again.

Picking up the mail from the coffee table in front of him, he started shuffling through and separating bills from junk until he came across a large white document envelope with a seal on the front.

Pushing himself towards the edge of his couch, he carefully opened it and pulled out the stiff stack of paper from within - careful not to crease or disturb the contents.

**County Governor's Office:**

**Application for Marriage Separation**

Isak wasn’t surprised. In fact, he was more shocked that he hadn’t received these sooner. He knew what was going to happen as soon as his marriage fell apart. As soon as his husband had told him he didn’t want to be with him any more. He knew the moment Even had tossed him aside like a toy he didn’t feel like playing with, that the process would look like this. A legal separation for a year before they could petition the county for a divorce. A separation - during which they would divide all of their assets and set the rest of their lives apart from each other into motion. He knew all of this - of course he did. He expected it.

So why was he struggling to regain the breath that had been knocked out of him? Why did it feel like he had just been sucker punched in the gut? Why did it feel like he was drowning in an ocean, surfacing for breath only to have another wave crash on top of him again?

Why did it still hurt so goddamn much?

**______________________ **

**_Isak_ **

_You still out?_

______________________

_-_

**JULY**

Isak heard the turn of keys in the lock as the front door opened up behind him. “In here babe.” He called out, not turning his focus from the project in front of him.

He had finally decided to remodel his study and after countless weeks reading reviews, he hired a contractor and designer for the job. Currently there was a man installing window treatments on his 10 ft. windows and Isak was standing not far from the ladder, arms crossed and overseeing the job.

He felt a set of arms wrap around his waist from behind him as Jakob’s chin hooked onto his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” It was a rhetorical question and his tone was scolding. He knew exactly what Isak was doing - he was just giving him an opportunity to come up with an excuse.

Not removing his eyes from the man on the ladder, he shrugged in a way he hoped came across as indifferent. “Nothing. Just overseeing.”

He felt the breath wash over his ear as Jakob breathed out a chuckle. “What’s there to oversee? He seems to have this under control.”

Isak stiffened. “What if he installs the entire thing crookedly?” He saw the man bristle at hearing Isak’s words, and Jakob sent an apologetic look his way as he more or less forced Isak out of the study and into the kitchen.

“Sit.” He pointed to one of the stools at the counter and instructed Isak to have a seat. “Gin or beer?”

Isak huffed out a sigh as he hopped onto a stool and placed his chin on his palm with a pout. “Gin.”

He watched as Jakob busied himself with making them both two cocktails - a flurry in the kitchen as he opened cabinets and drawers, poured contents of bottles into mixers, and shook them with a professional technique before garnishing their glasses with limes.

He slid the drink over to Isak silently, and sipped from his own glass as he watched from across the counter.

Isak swallowed the bitter liquid quickly - too quickly - and made his way around the counter to dispose of his glass into the sink. He turned back around to see Jakob, still leisurely sipping his own drink with a smug look on his face.

“Do I have to apologize to this one too?” Isak knew he sounded like a child, but he also knew Jakob didn’t care.

Setting his drink down, he walked over and pulled Isak into a loose embrace. “No babe. I think he was fine. But maybe we should stop micromanaging the contractors who are just doing their job, hmm?”

Isak nodded in response and let his head fall into the chest in front of him. Jakob was taller, broader, and darker than him. Black wavy hair with streaks of silver that reminded Isak of Christmas tinsel, gave him an older appearance than his 35 years.  More mature. Sexy. His wide almond shaped hazel eyes contrasted beautifully with his tawny brown skin and berry colored lips. The look was capped off by thick strong arms and a taught back from countless hours at the gym.

It was easy to feel protected by him, not just because of the strong presence of his physicality, but because of the silent way he commanded a room. A natural leader but not loud or demanding. Soft where needed and gentle always. Never forceful and patient to a fault.

He let himself melt into his embrace and closed his eyes as Jakob swayed them both gently.

“Are you packed yet?”

Isak let out a grunt in response. Not ready to break out of the relaxing lull that had been created in his kitchen. But he knew he needed to move at some point.

Jakob had planned a weekend getaway for the both of them - a late birthday gift for Isak since they both were too busy on the weekend of his actual birthday.

He pushed himself up slightly, tilting his chin up in request of a kiss. Jakob leaned down and pressed his lips to the smaller man - humming softly like he always did when they kissed. Isak’s eyes fluttered closed slowly and he pressed two more pecks to his mouth before straightening up.

“Almost done. I still need to drop off my dry cleaning and run a few more errands before we leave tomorrow.”

Jakob hummed and placed one last kiss on top of his head before releasing him from his hold. Isak silently pouted at the loss.

“I’ve got a few loose ends to tie up at the office, but I’ll have a car here to pick you up at 8:30.”

Isak rolled his eyes at the extravagant gesture. “You know I can just take an Uber to the airport. Car service seems unnecessary.”

Jakob was already at the front door, pausing to look at his boyfriend. “The service is paid for through the year - you’re using it.” He sent a pointed look at Isak. “Also, this is the last time I’m listening to your complaints about using my car service.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Isak replied fondly, making his way over to him for one last kiss. “See you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow.”

-

The weight of his work week and day of errands was beginning to catch up to him. He felt the fatigue suddenly wash over his body - the feeling more acute in his sore and worn out joints - as he walked into the dry cleaners, making it inside the moderately sized space seven minutes before closing.

The business was far enough from Isak’s building to be out of the way - causing him to really put an effort in to get his work clothes cleaned regularly. It was also, in Isak’s opinion, over priced, especially when he walked past three other similar shops just to get there, but after Jakob’s endless recommendations it became his go-to as well.

The place was owned by Karl, a jolly middle aged man who was kind to a fault and would throw his own coat over a puddle for you to walk over. Isak always felt a warm familial presence whenever he came in, and that was worth paying the premium for clean shirts and trousers.

He approached the counter just as Karl made his way to the front from his office

“Dr, Valtersen! How’s my favorite customer?”  His greeting was bright and sincere, and Isak was certain that anyone who stood in this man's presence and _didn’t_ smile wasn’t entirely human to begin with.

“You say that to everyone Karl.” Isak responded with a small ripple of laughter. “And if you don’t start calling me Isak, I’m gonna tell Jakob to stop baking you his strawberry rhubarb pies every month.”

“You’re putting me in a tough position.  It’s like Sophie’s Choice.” The smile never left his face, and it was that warm demeanor that helped ground Isak at the mention of a film that brought on memories of Sunday nights, complete with movies, snacks and foot massages.

Sunday’s used to be a sacred day. The only day of the week he and his husband - _ex husband_ \- had agreed to never schedule an outside date on. Sunday’s were for them. Sunday’s were for sleeping in and catching up on housework. Sunday’s were for preparing for the coming work week and cooking dinner in together. Sunday’s were for putting phones on silent and spending time in each other’s presence. Sunday’s were for _them_.

Isak pushed the thoughts away from the front of his consciousness and focused his attention back on the man in front of him. “Well you called my bluff Karl. Jakob would just sneak you the pies anyway.”

He let out a booming riot of laughter before reaching over and taking the bag of shirts Isak came to drop off.

“Speaking of Jakob, I have the trousers he dropped off for mending. He wanted them for your trip this weekend. Give me a moment and I’ll print up your ticket and get them for you.”

Isak thanked him, drumming his fingers in the counter as he waited - thankful that Karl mentioned the extra errand for his boyfriend that he had already forgotten about.

Isak glanced over at the picture frame near the register. The photograph inside always filling him with a fond sense of nostalgia even though he didn’t really know the people in the photo. It was of Karl under a quaint striped beach cabana, flanked on either side by his wife and daughter - both of whom passed away tragically the year before in a car accident. The photo seemed to be taken while the three of them were laughing - a beautiful candid shot that was dripping with joy and glee.

Isak smiled to himself as he tried imagining what that day must have been like. The sounds of waves crashing on the shore, filling your ears with the foaming sound of saltwater meeting sand. The cacophony of laughter from multiple voices surrounding you from the inside out. The vibrant blues of the water and corals of the shells made more rich from the cloudless sky and clear illumination of the sun. The humid feeling of the warm beach air softening your skin and the smell of ocean water and gardenias -

_Gardenias?_

He stood frozen as he heard the _click clack_ of heeled shoes approach from behind him. The sweet scent coming closer and enveloping him in an embrace he didn’t ask for. The tension in the air thickened and he could sense the person behind him become aware of his presence and identity.

_Deep breaths. 1, 2, 3, -_

“Isak?”

_Fuck._

He turned around - features tight and set into an indifferent and somewhat annoyed expression. Wasn’t too hard to execute - well at least not the annoyed part.

He didn’t speak. Didn’t nod or give away any indication that he was acknowledging her presence other than the fact that he was facing her. Eyes squared onto hers, daring her to speak - as if he would take some sort of physical or verbal action on her if she so much as blinked the wrong way. He wouldn’t though. He wanted to escape immediately, but there was no reason she needed to know that.

She looked back at him, body language expressing a sort of camaraderie that didn’t exist, with the way she relaxed a bit from her shoulders down, hip jutting out, and the rest of her body leaning into him with a comfort he wanted to smack off of her.

And with the arrogance of someone who knowingly entered an adulterated relationship, she spoke.

“Shit. I’m actually relieved I ran into you.”

_No._

“I was going to try and figure out a way to get in contact with you eventually, ask you to coffee.” She shifted the weight from her right foot to her left. “Do you want to get coffee now?”

_No. Where the fuck is Karl?_

“You probably have plans already. It’s Friday night…”

_Shut up. You don’t know me. Shut the hell up._

“This doesn’t have to be awkward, I swear.”

_You have ten seconds to silence yourself before I have to pretend to regret whatever actions I take due to your misplaced sense of entitlement._

“I just wanted to say, I get it now.”

_10, 9, 8_

“At first I blamed myself. I thought it was my fault he couldn’t stay faithful. Like why the fuck wasn’t I good enough, you know? Why couldn’t I satisfy him?”

_7, 6, 5_

“But then I realized how fucked up that train of thought was. And then I wanted to blame him. Once a cheater, always a cheater, right?”

_You don’t get to talk shit about my ex-husband. This isn’t something we do._

_4, 3_

“But I knew that somewhere underneath all of that shit was the man I fell in love with. The sweet and sensitive man I’d known all along. He had just been buried.”

_2_

“It was all of the ridiculous polyamory nonsense that he just couldn’t see through anymore. It poisoned him. And I’m sure you two had great intentions when you opened up your marriage - very progressive and liberal of you - but something like that can’t last in a healthy and functioning way when you are forcing yourself to go against nature.”

_You mother fu--_

“I’m sorry mam, but we are closed.”

_Karl. Thank fuck._

Sara’s gaze shifted from Isak to the man behind him, confusion washing over her. “But I’m already here and the door was open.”

“Machines have been shut down and the computer is off - can’t run a claim ticket. You’re welcome to come by tomorrow morning.”

She glanced back at Isak before giving a small nod, as if she didn’t believe anything Karl was telling her. That was easy to understand, since the register was currently printing Isak’s ticket as they stood there. “Of course. My apologies.”  She gave Isak a smile, condescension pouring out of her, before she turned on her heel and walked out.

Bringing himself back into focus, Isak unclenched his fists and flexed them slightly, trying to relieve the tension from his fingers as he turned towards the counter, reaching for his wallet to pay for Jakob’s trousers.

“Isak put your wallet away. Take your ticket and get home.” Karl’s face was serious, too serious for the man who found something wonderful in every situation - even when tragedy had struck him so recently.

“Let me pay you for the mending--“

“I owe you a birthday gift. It’s on me.”

“You bought me flowers and made me a ceramic vase to put them in.”

“Isak.” Karl’s voice was firm and final - a contrast to the congenial and easy going demeanor he usually exuded.

Nodding in defeat, Isak grabbed the garment bag and claim ticket, pushing out several _‘Thank you’s’_ as Karl hushed him and shooed him out of the shop, locking the door behind him.

The weather outside was beyond pleasant - even for a July evening in Norway. A warm breeze kicked up through the intersections, tall buildings acting as a wind tunnel to channel the air through, providing a cool reprieve for the rising temperatures. But Isak’s thoughts plagued him, not giving him enough time to really enjoy the nights atmosphere.

Even left Sara. They weren’t together anymore.

_Why? What did this mean?_

_Why did he cheat on her? Why would he enter into a monogamous relationship? Was he happy? Did he want Isak back? Did it matter if he did?_

Isak approached his building, mind still buzzing with unanswered questions as he gave a distracted wave to his door-man David, before entering and making his way to the elevator.

_Even left Sara.  Even left Sara._

It was almost a mantra.  

_Even left Sara._

He stepped onto the landing of the twelfth floor, those three words humming around in his thoughts.

_Even left Sara._

He couldn’t get Sara’s words and tone out of his head. The way she seemed to almost think she could _change_ Even. Like she was helping him out of an abusive and manipulative situation when she played her part in ending their marriage. Did she know Even at all?

Isak made his way to his bedroom to finish packing, setting Jakobs pants next to his suitcase while he turned on Spotify to play through his sound system as he prepared for his trip - fidgeting with the phone in his hand, his last thought replaying in his mind like a song on loop.

_Did she know Even at all?_

She couldn’t have. And yet - Even wasn’t a closed book. He wore his emotions on his sleeve. It was his greatest strength and weakness. So had he been hiding who he was from her? From the woman he left his marriage for. What changed inside of him?

Isak tuned in to the lyrics of the song playing in the background as he powered his phone on.

_“There’s a hole in the middle of my heart again_

_Can we start again?  Can we start again?_

_There’s a hole in the middle and it never mends_

_It never mends.  Can we start again?_

He scrolled through his contacts until he was looking at Even’s name.  What was going on in his head?

He let his thumb hover over the contact.  Call it morbid curiosity, call it obsession, call it whatever the hell you wanted - but Isak’s quiet and peaceful life had been disrupted suddenly and without his consent.  He wanted answers.

His phone lit up and he looked down to see Jakob’s face fill his screen as his phone buzzed with the phone call.

Jakob.  His boyfriend.  

Even. His ex-husband.

Even, who he still loved and would always feel drawn to regardless of the hole he left in Isak’s heart.

And then there was Jakob, a man who saw Isak for who and where he was and still wanted him. Who understood his desire to be open in all of his relationships and didn’t doubt his capability for love.  

Jakob or Even?

Jakob _and_ Even?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's intense - but tell me what you're feeling.
> 
> **Tumblr:**   
>  [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I don’t know if I’m articulating myself well - but what I’m trying to get at is that I am not the kind of person who can be limited in my relationships and feel fulfilled.”_
> 
>  
> 
> _He took a moment to let the words sink in before he spoke again, a little more quietly this time, but with just as much passion._
> 
>  
> 
> _“And if I had to take a wild guess - I don’t think you are either.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My outline for this second chapter originally contained six scenes - and that is excessive in and of itself. However, after I finished the opening scene I realized it needed to stand on its own. 
> 
> So here you are. 
> 
> The playlist has been updated to include the song in this chapter. So click [Here](https://open.spotify.com/user/125164470/playlist/3jWtAhJluWhfVYpQrrMw1h?si=Tcq4tnzoS2avgyBFqDAE-Q) if you are so inclined. It’s a powerful one. 
> 
> As always, Skamsnake deserves all my praise and gets all of my love. One day I’m going to post a fic that is just chapters of all of the things I love about her. It will be awkward as hell for y’all to read. 
> 
> Also, I typed the entire thing on my phone - which I NEVER do - and after 3,300 words, my wrists and thumbs are in pain and I want to slice them off.

_ Shadows settle on the place, that you left _ __  
_ Our minds are troubled by the emptiness _ __  
_ Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time _ _  
_ __ From the perfect start to the finish line

_ Youth _

_ by Daughter _

_ __________ _

**_Then_ **

_ Isak sat at their small Ikea dining room table, pushing food around on his plate as he listened to Even ramble on about his day.  He had been one of seven other graduates to be accepted for an internship with this company, and if this first week was anything to go by, the excitement and competitiveness of it all was only going to increase as the summer went on. _

_ He listened to the inflection changes in his boyfriend’s voice - deepening slightly when he spoke about one of his new supervisors who he was still uncertain about, and then going up somewhat and breaking a little, as he gushed over the projects he would have a chance to work on throughout the coming months. _

_ Isak listened - or rather he _ heard _.  He could hear Even speaking, making out some sentences and words here and there - but he wasn’t really listening.  His mind was elsewhere.  His thoughts were more steadily focused on someone else entirely.   _

_ Anders. _

_ He met Anders six weeks ago at the start of his molecular biology course.  There were only 13 other students taking the summer class, so it was hard to avoid anyone in general - but Anders was especially difficult to miss.  Tall and slim with olive colored skin that stretched out over the slightest definition of muscles.  Dark blue eyes that were framed by light brown hair and finished off by the widest smile Isak had ever seen.   _

_ Anders was attractive.  There was no doubt about it. _

_ But it was more than that too.  He was magnetic in a way that mirrored Even’s ability to engage an entire room of people.  Yet unlike Even, who would walk up to strangers in order to strike up a conversation, Anders was more subdued in his charisma and waited to be approached.   _

_ He was overwhelming and Isak could swear he was more susceptible to his pheromones in particular because his whole body would light up, skin became prickly and brain on high alert, when Anders walked into a room.  It was like his body would lie dormant just waiting for a glimpse at the boy, and then ignite when he was in close proximity to Isak. _

_ And that was the thought that worried him. _

_ It was one thing to try and reconcile these emotions during class when he had no choice but to be around him, to speak with him during breakouts for the course project.  It was another thing entirely when he agreed to study dates at the library followed by drinks at a local pub across from campus.  Because now Isak wasn’t laughing at ridiculous puns about DNA properties.  Now it was smiles shared over common interests and subtle compliments.  His face wasn’t just flushing because he was running late to class, only to relax when he realized Anders had saved him a seat in the back of the auditorium by the door.  Now he was blushing because he had a couple of beers in his system and the boy in question was squeezing his arm, fingers stroking skin slightly, as he told him a story, completely engrossed in what he was saying and in Isak. _

_ Anders was captivating and electric.  He was sexy and tantalizing.  There was something provocative and inviting about the way he looked at you when he spoke, narrowing his eyes in a manner that seemed to say he knew more than he let on.  Isak felt himself becoming infatuated, and he loved it. _

_ And that terrified him. _

_ Because even with all of these new feelings and energies running through him, nothing about the way he felt towards Even had changed.  He was still borderline obsessed with his boyfriend.   _

_ Even was his best friend and lover.  He was the man he knew he wanted to commit his life to.  And while four years together brought with it routine, monotony, and predictability, it was still exciting and fun and comfortable in the best of ways. _

_ No one knew him the way Even did - and maybe no one ever would - and that wasn't something he would ever give up.  Wasn’t something he  _ wanted _ to give up.  And although their sex life looked a little different than it did when they were teenagers and could barely walk to school without sporting a boner, there was nothing wrong with it either.  In fact Isak loved it.  He loved how they adapted to each other.  Knew and understood how some weeks sex was off the table because they were exhausted or just didn’t feel like taking the time for clean up.  Or because they had an enormous fight and neither one of them could stand to look at the other, let alone touch him.   _

_ But then there were nights where they couldn’t keep their hands off each other and it was almost a sprint to see how many positions they could fit into a small amount of time.  Sometimes it was making love, but sometimes it was just a good fuck and there was no reason to overthink it.  And sometimes - it was just being with the other one, whether that was cooking dinner even when it wasn’t your scheduled night to, or agreeing to keeping the tv off because one of you just needed the house to be silent. _

_ It wasn’t always sexy, but it wasn’t bad either.  Because even in the routines and monotony, Isak fell more in love with Even everyday.  He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wasn’t  _ missing _ anything. _

_ So then why did he want Anders so bad? _

_ And that question had been plaguing him for over a month. _

_ Why did he want Anders?  What would Even think of him if he knew?  Would Even feel less than? And of course, there was the thought that showed up a couple of weeks ago that wouldn’t leave him alone - why couldn’t he have both? _

_ People did that all of the time, opening up their relationships.  Inviting other people in for nights of steamy threesomes.  But that wasn’t what Isak wanted.  He wasn’t interested in sharing Even with someone else - or sharing someone else with Even.   _

_ He just wanted to be with other people. _

_ The more he had begun to think on it the more he realized how much it went against who he was to restrict himself to just Even.  Isak was capable of so much more and he wanted to release it.  And if  _ he _ felt this way, he could only begin to imagine what someone like Even would feel if given the opportunity.  _

_ Even, who couldn’t help but flirt and tease wherever he was.  If Even was breathing then he was flirting, and it wasn’t limited to humans - the man could seduce a chair without trying.  And it didn’t bother Isak at all - he kind of enjoyed it. _

_ They were never a very jealous couple to begin with, and Isak appreciated that so much.  They understood and trusted one another explicitly.  They never struggled with being honest with each other, it was just something that came naturally to them both as a couple.  Nothing was hidden. _

_ He didn’t want to leave Even.  God, he could barely get through a thought process like that.  Not being with Even was unfathomable on every level.  But how did he reassure his boyfriend of that? _

_ He was brought out of his thoughts with a gentle kick to his ankle. _

_ “What’s wrong?  You haven’t touched your Pad Thai?”  Even was looking at him with wide concerned eyes as he brought his hand to rest on Isak’s forearm. _

Rip the bandaid Isak.  It’s now or never.

_ “Do you ever think about being with someone else?” _

_ Even’s expression faltered for the briefest of moments, before an uncertain smile crept its way onto his face.  _

_ “Of course. Do you think I listen to Demi Lovato because she’s talented?” _

_ Isak gave his boyfriend a pointed stare.  _

_ “I mean, yes she’s talented. But also, her thighs.” He closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip. “I want those thighs around me.” He looked over at Isak, grinned cheekily and leaned in to kiss him on the head. “Don’t worry baby. Your thighs are better.” _

_ Isak scoffed loudly. Endeared by his boyfriends corny sense of humor and obvious lie. “Yeah, that’s not even close to true babe. I’m as gay as the day is long and even _ I  _ want her thighs wrapped around me. But thanks anyway.” _

_ That earned him a quick wink before Even dug back into his takeout box, using chopsticks that he couldn’t operate properly because he felt like a fork would besmirch Thailand somehow.  _

_ The silence settled back for a few moments, and Isak felt it thickening as he sat there. And somehow the awkwardness of the moment seemed worse then the unknown of this confrontation - so he pushed himself forward.  _

_ “No celebrities.” He could see worry glance over Even, before he schooled his features.  _

_ His boyfriend was a master of suppressing his real feelings. A skill he picked up as a result of his father leaving him and his mother and a mental illness diagnosis he saw as a burden to everyone around him.  _

_ But Isak knew. He could see through most of those barriers Even put up. Isak knew what to look for to know when Even was deteriorating inside from his own self deprecation and loathing. And he knew right now that the line of questioning he just started was worrying his boyfriend in a way that caused confusion and self anger.  _

_ He would bet money on Even being upset at himself because he felt as if he shouldn’t be taking this topic to heart and should be able to joke around about it, but it somehow was eating at him and knocking down the self assurances he had in place.  _

_ Isak knew this, and even as Even looked up from his dinner, devious smile in place to cover up the uncertainty of the moment, he could see the anxiety creep up inside his boyfriend and cause a disturbance. And Isak felt it too.  _

_ Because when Even hurts, he hurts.  _

_ Even cleared his throat. “Are you suggesting a threesome Isak?” Fake smile. “Because that is most guys’ dream.” Fake smile.  _

_ Isak shoved his uneaten dinner out in front of him and looked at Even, trying to project all the warmth and love he could over to him.  _

Be honest. Be open. State facts _.  _ Deep breath. 

_ “I wanna talk to you about something, but I need you to know first that this isn’t a bad talk.” Even blinked at him. His way of telling him to continue because he had nothing to say yet.  _

_ “I feel as if the nature of this conversation is going to sound like something’s wrong, but it’s so important to me that you know that that is not the case. Not even close.” He reached over to squeeze his hand. “Ok?” _

_ He saw Even relax a little and then squeeze his hand back. “Ok.”  He pushed his chair away from the table. “But can we go to the couch? I want to be comfortable.” He didn’t wait for an answer. Just got up and made his way to their living room, sitting on the oversized armchair and pulling Isak down with him. It was large enough for Isak to be sat on the cushion but his legs were draped over Even’s knees.  _

_ He laid his head on the armrest and Even placed his on the back of the chair, they both looked at each other quietly for a moment before Even started playing with Isak’s fingers, relaxing and opening up to the moment.  _

_ And he knew it was now. Start speaking and let the explanations and answers come with the questions and unknowns.  _

_ “I’m just gonna start speaking and let it all come out. And if it sounds like a mess afterwards, I’ll figure it out.” _

_ Even nodded, expression not as guarded, and Isak knew it was because despite all of his boyfriends insecurities - he trusted Isak explicitly. And Isak would try his hardest to not take advantage of that trust.  _

_ “I’ve found myself attracted to another guy. Someone in my summer course.”  Even’s brows dipped the smallest amount but he didn’t interrupt him.  “But that’s it Even. It’s been nothing but an attraction. We are grouped together for a project so we study together-“ _

_ “Anders?”  It wasn’t accusatory. Just a question.  _

_ “Yes. Anders.” He waited, but Even only nodded once.  _

_ “We’ve gotten a few drinks after studying.  And I need you to know that just because I’m telling you I’m attracted to him, that doesn’t mean these were dates or anything more than letting loose after a late night on campus.”  He turned Even’s hand over and placed his palm on his. “I’ve thought about this a lot babe - it’s literally kept me up at night because why in the hell would I even  _ entertain _ something like this? And what kind of a person does that make me? I have you - who I am desperately in love with. Seriously Even. Please hear me - that has not changed. I am in love with you.  But I’ve made myself sick over this. _

_ “I have turned this over in my head thousands of times. I have been as reflective and introspective as I can be and I am understanding a lot about myself in the process.  And it’s liberating and terrifying as hell. Because It’s not something I have a template for. At least not in my immediate life.” _

Deep breath. 

_ “I don’t know if I’m articulating myself well - but what I’m trying to get at is that I am not the kind of person who can be limited in my relationships and feel fulfilled.”  He took a moment to let the words sink in before he spoke again, a little more quietly this time, but with just as much passion. “And if I had to take a wild guess - I don’t think you are either.” _

_ Even was staring at their hands, palm to palm, worrying his bottom lip. Isak could see his eyes shifting back and forth - unfocused as he listened to everything Isak was saying.  _

_ “Even, I may not be as outgoing and assertive as you, but I do love people. I love having friends and having a diverse group of relationships within my reach. And sometimes I want to flirt - but if I do that now I’d be shamed for it. Because I’m in a committed relationship with an incredible guy, so what business do I have flirting with another man. Those are the thoughts people would have. But why is that so innately bad? And why do we assume that we are only capable of commiting to or caring for one person at a time?  Why should the idea of me caring about someone else diminish my love for you? Why does someone else get to decide that for me?” _

_ He reached a hand to his boyfriends chin and tilted it up slightly. “Baby, look at me please.” _

_ Even lifted his eyes and gave Isak his attention.  _

_ “There is no way you could be  _ everything for me.  _ No one person can. Not only is it not fair to me, but it’s entirely unfair to you. That’s an incredible amount of pressure to place on one person. It’s why we have friendships. Jonas is my best friend and offers me things you can’t. Sana definitely provides in ways others don’t. Just like you are a space I need because it’s so unique.”  He couldn’t hide the earnestness in his tone. Didn’t  _ want _ to hide it.  _

_ “But you are human baby, and are limited. We all are. And just because who you are is  _ enough  _ for me - should that mean you are my one and only? Should it mean that I’m your one and only?” _

_ Even reached out and wiped Isak’s cheek. In the midst of his declaration he hadn’t even noticed the warm tears that had escaped and were currently now running over his chin and down his neck.  _

_ He ducked his head and rubbed it softly into Evens hand, closing his eyes and letting the tears fall freely now. Feeling the small shudder from Even - evidence of his own silent cries.  _

_ He inhaled to steady himself, and looked to find blue eyes swimming in water, gazing back at him.  _

_ “Even,” he spoke slowly, needing the time to try and reel himself back in again. “I don’t know what I’m asking. I don’t know what happens now. I just know that this is something I can’t close. It’s something I don’t want to close.” _

_ Even stroked his cheek one last time before dropping his hand on Isak’s lap and sitting back. _

_ Isak tried to relax. He knew he was done speaking and now it was Even’s turn, but the silence stretched on for minutes. It was excruciating, but Isak wasn’t going to fuck this up by not allowing Even this time.  _

_ Finally he heard the intake of breath before he spoke. “You love me.” _

_ It wasn’t a question, but Isak whispered his answer anyways. “Yes.” _

_ Even turned his head, looking back at Isak again. “You love me.”  It was still a statement - but filled with more certainty this time.  _

_ Isak leaned forward. “Yes baby. So much. I love you so fucking much.”  He was squeezing Even’s hands now, pleading with his touches for him to feel the truth in those words.  _

_ “And I love you.”  They looked at each other. Eyes searching, for who knows what, but they held each other’s gaze - communicating a million things. Silent words and thoughts no one else would ever understand. A million silent ‘I love you’s’ - one for every different meaning. All of it was spoken in that look. And Isak heard it loud and clear.  _

_ And this was what he meant when he said that Even was a space that no one else could ever take up.  _

_ He saw Even’s throat bob, as he swallowed thickly. “So, tell me about Anders.” _

_ And that’s how it had started for them. And it was never something that was harder before it got easier. They just were honest with each other. Honest about what they wanted and how they wanted to get it.  _

_ Over the years their open relationship looked different then it did when they first ventured into it - but what else would you expect from humans who evolve? There were periods where all Isak wanted was a quick fuck. A one night stand with someone he didn’t have to make breakfast for. Then there were moments where he wanted something more and dated the same person for a while - gaining a connection from them that only they could offer him. And then there was the year where he didn’t see anyone outside of Even at all. Just didn’t want to. _

_ And it was the same for Even, what they wanted changed as they did.  _

_ As time went on, they met more polyamorous people and friends and were surrounded by the diversity of it all. Some people who had several serious partners and there was no hierarchy within the relationships. Others who, like isak and Even, had one person they were committed to for life but saw people on the side. And some friends who shared a lover.  _

_ Isak loved every one of these friendships, because it reminded him that there was a place for them to be safe and open about who they were. A place they could run to when someone ignorantly said things like, “What’s the point in being married then?” or “So what, Even isn’t enough for you? He doesn’t satisfy you?”  _

_ Over time those words hurt less and less and Isak learned that not everyone would understand the amount of love he and his husband had for each other. The amount of fierce understanding and trust that was involved in their choice to love others. Not everyone would understand it, and that was ok. Because Isak felt privileged that he found someone who did.  _

_ Did.  _

_ __________ _

_ And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one _ __  
_ 'Cause most of us are bitter over someone _ __  
_ Setting fire to our insides for fun _ __  
_ To distract our hearts from ever missing them _ _  
_ __ But I'm forever missing him

_ Youth _

_ by Daughter _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I know this is visiting an Evak in a universe that is rarely looked at or considered, so please leave a comment and let me know what you are feeling. 
> 
> I love the passionate reactions. 
> 
> <3
> 
>    
>  **Tumblr:**  
> [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Did you feel anything?
> 
> Seriously, did you? Tell me. You're comments in SBTC are breathtaking and give me such an incredible feeling of renewal when I see you share the parts that meant something to you and the different perspectives you bring.
> 
> <3 Come talk to me on **Tumblr:**  
> [NeonViolet](https://Pinkskam.tumblr.com/)


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